February 17, 2009

320 pounds 

(*gulp)

I am on fire right now.  I am on such a high it’s hard to keep still some times.  How do I keep that fire burning?

I work with a guy who always seems to be on fire.  He hasn’t been on staff long, but every time I see him he is smiling and just down right joyous.  His life is completely wrapped up in God.  What a passion he has for life.

Being obedient to worshiping and following God while disciplined in my weight looks different than it ever has before.  I’ve always treated them separately when all along they have been one in the same.  Makes me go - duh.  Why didn’t I get it before? 

I can’t wait to see what God has in store for my life. 

Lord, sustain me each day with your Love and Mercy.  Stoke the fires in me throughout the day that I will never go back to who I was before – lost and afraid.  Remind me every moment that YOU, not food, are what will meet my needs and that food is only fuel for my body not for my soul.  Amen

We will all at some time or another in our lives reach some point where the obvious is so….just that….obvious, that we can not do anything but face it.  It stares us in the face with such intensity and follows us around with such passion that we can’t even take a step because it has wrapped itself around our feet and trapped us from moving.

I find myself there, unable to move.  My path is marked before me and I can not run away from it anymore. 

Yesterday I met with a very dear friend and it was a wonderfully frightening experience.  God chose that time to confirm many things to me.  He showed me my purpose in life for right this moment.  Right now – not tomorrow or next year.  He showed me right now.  I’ve searched for many years, praying and asking what it was and yesterday I realized my purpose is what God has for me right now.  Tomorrow will take care of it self.   When the meeting was over I wrote an email to my friend…

I’m sitting here actually shaking.  Fear and excitement are coursing through my veins.  I am so scared.  I know what I must do.  I have come to a defining moment right now, this minute.  I don’t know the exact verse, it goes something like – it is worse for those who know but do not obey than for those who do not know.  I’m scared to know and not do.  I had one of these very moments when I was so caught up in my past situation (when my husband and I were having problems and separated) it was a defining moment between heaven and hell.  I have described my life in the past as being at the bottom of a pit with no way out.  I see myself today no longer in that pit but at the edge of a cliff with only two choices to make. To remain standing here at the edge means failure – to jump means freedom.  I know.  I feel physical pressure from what I know.  I am at the verge of tears.  This isn’t about my weight – it’s about my walk with Christ.  Whatever has happened to me in the past I know now doesn’t matter.  What matters is what I will do from this moment on.  God is calling me to let go of the past and reach for the future He has for me.  If I step out in faith with Him, He will take care of all the past.  He will work out all the junk and it will be up to Him to reveal it to me – but ONLY if I trust and follow Him.  I made a statement to you once that I was so tired of all of this.  You looked at me and said,” Are you really tired?  Are you really?  Because if you are, you will do something about it.”  My obedience begins with stopping the madness of this food tornado.  I let food control me – that was the past.  Today, I’m choosing to let  God control me.  Today, I’m choosing to do something about it.  Romans” 8: 5-6 “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind of a sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.”

 

I have allowed food to be the center of my life for too long.  I profess to be a Christian, but put something other than God as first place in my life.  What a cold sobering splash of water in my face.  I have lied to myself for so many years saying He was first but always putting food before Him and everyone or thing in my life.  I have let it control me to the point I am physically unable to move. 

I’ve often said to myself, “When is enough, enough?  How much more food will be enough before I’m satisfied?”  I can safely say I’ve had enough.  Yep, another bite and I will probably explode.  My body hurts all the time.  The weight has become this noose around my neck that with every bite it gets a little tighter.  I feel as though my breath is being cut off.

I have shocked the doctors for years because in spite of my size all my yearly tests for blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid, you name it, all come back perfectly normal.  Each time someone does my blood pressure they pump that thing way up into the 200’s assuming it will be high.  I’ve even had some take it twice sure they had made a mistake and then ask me what it normally runs and I sarcastically say, while rubbing my arm to bring the life back to it, 110 over 70.   They curiously look at me and then record my usual numbers in my chart.

Two things are intertwined in my life right now – my weight and my relationship with Christ.  I can’t avoid either one anymore.  I can not work on one without the other.  I have longed for a deeper more intimate relationship with my Savior but have finally come to realize that can’t happen until I surrender my weight to Him.  In turn – I can’t resolve my weight issues until I surrender to my Savior.

For the last three years God has been telling me  – Obedience, I must have obedience from you.  About a year ago He added another word – Discipline.  Then yesterday, as I was listening to Chuck Swindol’s pod cast, my weight and my Lord finally came together for me.

Chuck said, “You on your own, personally and privately need to come to Christ to handle this emptiness that will keep you hopeless and desperate.  A life without Christ keeps us hopeless and desperate.  A life lived in the energy of the flesh centers on self.  It keeps us proud and leaves us miserable.  A life lived with the Spirit in control reminds us of Grace and that keeps us humble and it sets us free.  True humility – remembering the pit from which we have been taken from.  By the Grace of God we are lifted to the mountain by His Grace and there we receive His righteousness and forgiveness.  We are the recipients of His Faithfulness because nothing in our flesh can create any of it.  It is Grace”

I have been proud and miserable; now I choose humble and free. 

I can no longer avoid why I began this blog.  My hope has always been that by sharing about my marriage, my relationship with Christ and my weight someone might read my words and realize they are not the only one going through these things nor are they alone.  I hope you will join me in my journey because I know if I put the two words God has given me – Obedience and Discipline – into action what a ride He has in store for me!!

“But seek first His Kingdom and His Rightenousness and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33

Today is my day.  Today has all kinds of possibilities.  Today is up to me.  The clock is ticking like a soldier never stopping never faltering.  Tick-tock goes the clock.  Will I let time pass me by another day?  Time is no ones friend.  It doesn’t stop to say hello or take a moment to catch it’s breath.  It’s pace is steady, it’s purpose well known.  What will I do with today?  What will I choose today?

As I wrote my last post, I looked upon the preview and realized I’ve already blogged about this issue.  But at that moment I came to understand that this issue has a lot more significance than I’ve realized.  Ok, ok, so I knew it meant a lot.  But as I posted it I thought back and saw how so much of my life has been spent thinking about this subject over and over again.  It’s time to let it go.  It’s time to move on and stop wasting energy on the things in my life that didn’t come true and won’t come true.  I have to find a way to put the things in my life that I just can’t seem to let go of up on a shelf and stop allowing them to be burdens in my life.  They will always be the choices I made in life – good or bad.  Time to put them away and stop stumbling over them.  I spend so much time on the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s in my life that I don’t live for NOW.  I want to stop looking back at yesterday and start looking at today.  The past is over and no matter how hard I wish or hope, cry or scream, it’s not coming back.  There are no do-overs.  I don’t get another chance.  All I get is the knowledge of what I did in the past.  Now – what am I going to do with it?  I don’t want it to drag me down anymore.  Instead, I want to use it for all the possibilities I have left in life.  My mind keeps thinking, “I’m 43 years old”.  Wouldn’t it be better to think of myself as 43 years young?  My life isn’t over.  Today can be my beginning!