Today I am free from my past. 

Today I KNOW I have been forgiven.

Today is a new day because He is risen!

Mercy is not getting what you do deserve.

God has given me some heaping helpings of both.

It marked me, molded me and set a course in my life.  It would be the sound I would hear many times over the years to come that kept me silent and in the shadows.  Do as little as possible to keep from attracting any attention to myself – became my goal in life.  How silly our minds are – I was trying to be invisible while I was gaining weight by leaps and bounds. (*shaking my head)

I only remember one other time someone making a comment about my size after that.  It was high school and I considered the source and dismissed it because he was a dork anyways so it didn’t count.

It was the last time – until the other day.

I had gone shopping with my mother and daughter to the dollar fip flop sale at Old Navy – that alone was an experience all it’s own.  Two hours and fifteen pairs of flip flops later we were walking out of the store.  The way was clear so I stepped off the curb and proceeded to cross the street.  Suddenly a car tuned coming quickly in front of me so I stopped and stepped back.   Another and another came so I started walking in the gutter slowly waiting for the all clear. 

I saw one last car turning, knowing I would cross after them, and continued my slow shuffle.  Instead of just passing us by they turned their car at us.  I looked at the car and there was a man in the driver seat pointing his finger at me then motioning to the side walk while mouthing something.  He did this a couple more times and suddenly it dawned on me he was saying to get on the sidewalk.

Now let me describe with a little more detail where I was.  At that particular place the street is wide.  When he arrived by us there were no other cars – specifically nothing coming in the opposite direction that would have caused him to have to stop to avoid hitting us or wait for another car to pass.  He was the ONLY car in the street.  We were in the gutter, one foot on the concrete and one on the asphalt.  There could have been two cars side by side in the street and they still would have been no where close to us.  So the fact that he was almost directly in front of us could only have happened if he put his car there on purpose.

As a general rule in life, I’m a coward.  Someone says “boo” and I quickly back down.  I hate confrontations – Period.  But as that finger proceeded to gesture at me to move, my mind kept telling me to stand up for myself and dont run away.  Just ignore it and he will move on.

I shook my head and said, to no one in particular, “Don’t tell me what to do”.  Again, my mind said to just move on.  But something in me wouldn’t let it go either.  Just before he would have hit me, he turned his wheel slightly to come up beside me and began to lower his passenger window.  With that finger still going I could finally hear that he was in fact telling me to get on the sidewalk and get out of the street.

I must also interject here that I am a rules kinda gal.  I know better than to walk in the street.  Normally I would have jumped up on the sidewalk and waited there.  But while I walked in that gutter that day a strange kind of strength came over me to stand my ground.  I thought to myself that this was as good a time as any to stand up for myself and not run away from a confrontation.  (What confrontation.  The man was saying get on the sidewalk and I was saying don’t tell me what to do.  No big deal – right?)

Yes, I could have taken one step up on the sidewalk and been done with it.  But all I kept thinking was I wasn’t blocking his way and he was acting like he owned the road.  In my mind I wasn’t wrong, and for once I wasn’t going to apologize for something that wasn’t my fault. 

I can’t remember everything he said – blah, blah, blah, get out of the street.  Blah, blah, blah, get on the sidewalk.  Blah, blah, blah, whatever fatso.

And in that one moment, I was back in middle school again feeling dumb and insignificant.  There was shock on my face and no words in my mouth.  His car kept slowly rolling along and I couldn’t think of anything to say.  Finally, I stammered, “well….well…Oh that was real nice.”

I turned and crossed the street.

When I got into the car, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry – so I did both.  My mom began to defend me while my daughter sat silent in the back seat.  Bless my moms heart.  She didn’t hear what he said so I had to tell her as we crossed the street.  If he had still been there I think she would have kicked his butt!

A lot of emotions crossed through my mind in a matter of just a few moments.  Anger, frustration, disgust in him, disgust in myself, shame, guilt, laughter, pain.  But all the while I kept thinking about my daughter and how was I showing Jesus to her through this.  This was a Jesus moment for my daughter.  A chance to show her Jesus. 

I asked if she was ‘OK’ and if she was silent because she was embarrassed for me.  She quickly teared up and said yes.  I told her I wasn’t mad at the man – I really wasn’t.  I was only hurt by what he said.  I told her as I turned and walked across the street I began to pray for him.  To pray that God would bless him.  I”m normal, it hurt and part of me wanted him to hurt the way I did.  But I just couldn’t think of anything to do but pray blessing on him.

We haven’t talked about it again.  And, as I look back, the whole thing couldn’t have lasted more than a couple of minutes.  But those couple minutes will probably last a life time for me.  I’m hoping, however, that this time the marks left behind will not leave me with regret but spur me on to greater things. 

I’ve always wanted some quick witted or smartalic remark to say back to someone at just the right moment.  And even though that’s what I wanted in the heat of the moment, I’m glad all I could think of was that one line.  If I had said more, my daughter would have seen it and I would have had to live with the marks I left on her.  Instead, I believe I honored God in my silence and worshiped him with my prayers for that man.  I wasn’t right in everything I did that day but I hope somehow my daughter saw Jesus in it.

Are you tired of my posts yet?  I’m tired of going no where.  I’m tired of no changes in my life.  Ever feel like you are in the middle of a fog that goes on and on and the more you search the more lost you become?  I’m there.  I’m lost and nothing looks familiar.  No land marks.  No signs to show me the way. 

Trust in the Lord.  Pray.  Seek Him.  Read His word. 

I’m doing that, so why am I still lost?

I’ve left Egypt but I”m still wondering in the desert.  I know the answer but the old still seems better.  I’ve been set free by my salvation through Jesus Christ.  Yet I still live in the sinful nature.

Why? 

Always why with me.

Lord, why do I prefer bondage to Your yoke of freedom?  Renew my mind and break the bondage of the old master that I have served for so long.  I’ve grown so accustomed to the stake I’ve been tied to that I don’t understand anything different.  Deliver me from myself Lord. 

I’m learning.

As I work to change my eating habits I’m overwhelmed how I’ve allowed Satan to control me.  I’m 43 years old and I see I’ve created habits in me that only God can break.  I don’t want to ‘trick’ myself into eating healthy and exercising, I want a deep down spiritual shaken at the very core of me change.

Monday I went back to the doctor for my six week follow-up appointment after surgery.  I was given the go ahead to begin exercising and was very excited to do so.  But each day since then I have legitimately had something that has prevented me for going.  Now I’m seeing change as a bigger word than I had thought. 

I know what I have to do – change what I put in my body, move my body, and train my body (mind/spirit) with God’s word.  I can’t squeeze all that into the life I lead now.  I think that may be a big reason why I haven’t changed before now.  It isn’t just changing how I eat, I’m seeing that there are areas of my life that can never be as they were before. 

Food has been this friend to me for so many years.  It has comforted me through every emotion I’ve ever had.  I have allowed myself every indulgence with food; never depriving myself of anything.  One bite has never been enough nor have I ever allowed it to be.  I have tried diet after diet with success sometimes and ultimately failure in them all.

My brain has continually looked at dieting as deprivation.  Whenever I start a diet I have this new excitement and drive and tell myself I can work through the plan.  But since I never deprive myself of any food I always find my way back to eating and the diet is soon forgotten.  It’s like this battle going on inside my head; one side saying I don’t need it and the other saying I do.  I want to be thin but I want to eat the food as well.  I go round and round till I’m dizzy. I eat, then I agonize over eating, then I diet and feel deprived, so I eat and then I feel depressed again.   Around and around I go – somebody get me off this merry-go-round I’m gonna be sick!

If we do not change what is on the inside, the outside can never truly follow.  Who I am on the inside is reflected on the outside.  OK, so you can look at me and see a big woman.  But it goes beyond that.  To see me you can see that I’m disobedient, undisciplined and a glutton.  Those are word not to cut me down but to describe who I am on the inside.  How can I expect to have victory on the outside when I don’t have victory on the inside.

I’m frustrated that I’ve allowed myself to live such a self centered existance.  My habits are so ingrained in me I don’t even realize what I”m doing half the time.  Life teaches us everything in moderation but my brain thinks that moderation and deprivation are the same thing.

This is my prayer now:

Lord, shine your light in every area of my life and reveal to me why I do the things I do.  Do not allow any darkness to remain in my life.  Let your light reveal all the hurt and pain I’ve been keeping locked away.  Do not allow it to be my friend anymore so that it can’t hold me back from your freedom.  Come in Lord, I welcome you into every place in my heart, mind, spirit and body.  I can not and will not do this on my own anymore.  Shine your light Lord and heal me.  Amen

Down 3.5 pounds

To GOD be the glory!

320 pounds 

(*gulp)

I work with a guy who always seems to be on fire.  He hasn’t been on staff long, but every time I see him he is smiling and just down right joyous.  His life is completely wrapped up in God.  What a passion he has for life.

Being obedient to worshiping and following God while disciplined in my weight looks different than it ever has before.  I’ve always treated them separately when all along they have been one in the same.  Makes me go - duh.  Why didn’t I get it before? 

I can’t wait to see what God has in store for my life. 

Lord, sustain me each day with your Love and Mercy.  Stoke the fires in me throughout the day that I will never go back to who I was before – lost and afraid.  Remind me every moment that YOU, not food, are what will meet my needs and that food is only fuel for my body not for my soul.  Amen

I find myself there, unable to move.  My path is marked before me and I can not run away from it anymore. 

Yesterday I met with a very dear friend and it was a wonderfully frightening experience.  God chose that time to confirm many things to me.  He showed me my purpose in life for right this moment.  Right now – not tomorrow or next year.  He showed me right now.  I’ve searched for many years, praying and asking what it was and yesterday I realized my purpose is what God has for me right now.  Tomorrow will take care of it self.   When the meeting was over I wrote an email to my friend…

I’m sitting here actually shaking.  Fear and excitement are coursing through my veins.  I am so scared.  I know what I must do.  I have come to a defining moment right now, this minute.  I don’t know the exact verse, it goes something like – it is worse for those who know but do not obey than for those who do not know.  I’m scared to know and not do.  I had one of these very moments when I was so caught up in my past situation (when my husband and I were having problems and separated) it was a defining moment between heaven and hell.  I have described my life in the past as being at the bottom of a pit with no way out.  I see myself today no longer in that pit but at the edge of a cliff with only two choices to make. To remain standing here at the edge means failure – to jump means freedom.  I know.  I feel physical pressure from what I know.  I am at the verge of tears.  This isn’t about my weight – it’s about my walk with Christ.  Whatever has happened to me in the past I know now doesn’t matter.  What matters is what I will do from this moment on.  God is calling me to let go of the past and reach for the future He has for me.  If I step out in faith with Him, He will take care of all the past.  He will work out all the junk and it will be up to Him to reveal it to me – but ONLY if I trust and follow Him.  I made a statement to you once that I was so tired of all of this.  You looked at me and said,” Are you really tired?  Are you really?  Because if you are, you will do something about it.”  My obedience begins with stopping the madness of this food tornado.  I let food control me – that was the past.  Today, I’m choosing to let  God control me.  Today, I’m choosing to do something about it.  Romans” 8: 5-6 “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind of a sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.”

I have allowed food to be the center of my life for too long.  I profess to be a Christian, but put something other than God as first place in my life.  What a cold sobering splash of water in my face.  I have lied to myself for so many years saying He was first but always putting food before Him and everyone or thing in my life.  I have let it control me to the point I am physically unable to move. 

I’ve often said to myself, “When is enough, enough?  How much more food will be enough before I’m satisfied?”  I can safely say I’ve had enough.  Yep, another bite and I will probably explode.  My body hurts all the time.  The weight has become this noose around my neck that with every bite it gets a little tighter.  I feel as though my breath is being cut off.

I have shocked the doctors for years because in spite of my size all my yearly tests for blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid, you name it, all come back perfectly normal.  Each time someone does my blood pressure they pump that thing way up into the 200′s assuming it will be high.  I’ve even had some take it twice sure they had made a mistake and then ask me what it normally runs and I sarcastically say, while rubbing my arm to bring the life back to it, 110 over 70.   They curiously look at me and then record my usual numbers in my chart.

Two things are intertwined in my life right now – my weight and my relationship with Christ.  I can’t avoid either one anymore.  I can not work on one without the other.  I have longed for a deeper more intimate relationship with my Savior but have finally come to realize that can’t happen until I surrender my weight to Him.  In turn – I can’t resolve my weight issues until I surrender to my Savior.

For the last three years God has been telling me  – Obedience, I must have obedience from you.  About a year ago He added another word – Discipline.  Then yesterday, as I was listening to Chuck Swindol’s pod cast, my weight and my Lord finally came together for me.

Chuck said, “You on your own, personally and privately need to come to Christ to handle this emptiness that will keep you hopeless and desperate.  A life without Christ keeps us hopeless and desperate.  A life lived in the energy of the flesh centers on self.  It keeps us proud and leaves us miserable.  A life lived with the Spirit in control reminds us of Grace and that keeps us humble and it sets us free.  True humility – remembering the pit from which we have been taken from.  By the Grace of God we are lifted to the mountain by His Grace and there we receive His righteousness and forgiveness.  We are the recipients of His Faithfulness because nothing in our flesh can create any of it.  It is Grace”

I have been proud and miserable; now I choose humble and free. 

I can no longer avoid why I began this blog.  My hope has always been that by sharing about my marriage, my relationship with Christ and my weight someone might read my words and realize they are not the only one going through these things nor are they alone.  I hope you will join me in my journey because I know if I put the two words God has given me – Obedience and Discipline – into action what a ride He has in store for me!!

“But seek first His Kingdom and His Rightenousness and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33