We don’t always realize what kind of hold sin has on our lives until we try to break away from it.  Can’t God just ’snap’ and make it happen?  Sure.  But so often He doesn’t because there are lessons in the journey that we just have to get or there can be no true healing.

As I work to change my eating habits I’m overwhelmed how I’ve allowed Satan to control me.  I’m 43 years old and I see I’ve created habits in me that only God can break.  I don’t want to ‘trick’ myself into eating healthy and exercising, I want a deep down spiritual shaken at the very core of me change.

Monday I went back to the doctor for my six week follow-up appointment after surgery.  I was given the go ahead to begin exercising and was very excited to do so.  But each day since then I have legitimately had something that has prevented me for going.  Now I’m seeing change as a bigger word than I had thought. 

I know what I have to do – change what I put in my body, move my body, and train my body (mind/spirit) with God’s word.  I can’t squeeze all that into the life I lead now.  I think that may be a big reason why I haven’t changed before now.  It isn’t just changing how I eat, I’m seeing that there are areas of my life that can never be as they were before. 

Food has been this friend to me for so many years.  It has comforted me through every emotion I’ve ever had.  I have allowed myself every indulgence with food; never depriving myself of anything.  One bite has never been enough nor have I ever allowed it to be.  I have tried diet after diet with success sometimes and ultimately failure in them all.

My brain has continually looked at dieting as deprivation.  Whenever I start a diet I have this new excitement and drive and tell myself I can work through the plan.  But since I never deprive myself of any food I always find my way back to eating and the diet is soon forgotten.  It’s like this battle going on inside my head; one side saying I don’t need it and the other saying I do.  I want to be thin but I want to eat the food as well.  I go round and round till I’m dizzy. I eat, then I agonize over eating, then I diet and feel deprived, so I eat and then I feel depressed again.   Around and around I go – somebody get me off this merry-go-round I’m gonna be sick!

If we do not change what is on the inside, the outside can never truly follow.  Who I am on the inside is reflected on the outside.  OK, so you can look at me and see a big woman.  But it goes beyond that.  To see me you can see that I’m disobedient, undisciplined and a glutton.  Those are word not to cut me down but to describe who I am on the inside.  How can I expect to have victory on the outside when I don’t have victory on the inside.

I’m frustrated that I’ve allowed myself to live such a self centered existance.  My habits are so ingrained in me I don’t even realize what I”m doing half the time.  Life teaches us everything in moderation but my brain thinks that moderation and deprivation are the same thing.

This is my prayer now:

Lord, shine your light in every area of my life and reveal to me why I do the things I do.  Do not allow any darkness to remain in my life.  Let your light reveal all the hurt and pain I’ve been keeping locked away.  Do not allow it to be my friend anymore so that it can’t hold me back from your freedom.  Come in Lord, I welcome you into every place in my heart, mind, spirit and body.  I can not and will not do this on my own anymore.  Shine your light Lord and heal me.  Amen